Welcome, one and all, to the first installment of The Ranting SBox’s Annual Movie Countdown (2017 Edition)… also simply known as the 2017 Movie Countdown. For the fourth year in a row, it is my duty and honor to present you guys the 36 movies I saw throughout 2017 ranked from worst to best. If you’d like more information on the mini-series in question or if you’d like to see the full list of movies I’ll be covering in this countdown, click here for the Intro post and join me back here every Sunday from now until February 4 to see how the list continues.
Now, today is not a Sunday, but because I started the countdown late this year I decided to get the first of these 4 posts out as soon as possible. And as you may guess, this post starts with my least favorite films of the year. Thankfully, I only flat-out hated one movie from last year, which means instead of starting with the traditional “Bottom of the Barrel” category, we’re moving right into the next step up: “The Mediocre”. Continue reading 2017 Movie Countdown: The Mediocre (#36-28)→
Greetings one and all, and welcome to yet another year of life on this beautiful planet of ours. What makes this planet so beautiful you may ask? Well, just take a look at all the exciting things that happened last year. There was a guy who turned into a multiple-personality disordered super villain back in January. In February, two teachers got into a fist fight. Giant alien robots were fighting over the summer, and a guy in red and blue spandex teamed up with another guy in a flying metal suit. Some kids fought off a killer clown back in September, and then in December the greatest show ever was put on.
Every year is exciting when you’re a movie fan.
Yes, we here at The Ranting SBox love our movies, which is why I am so happy to kick off 2018 with one of the blog’s longest lasting traditions: the annual movie countdown. For those unfamiliar, every year in January I like to look back at all the movies I saw the previous year (in this case 2017) and cover them from worst to best throughout the months of January and February. It’s one of my favorite things to do on the blog, and despite these countdowns always proving to be a huger endeavor than I realize, I can’t help but look forward to it every year. Continue reading Intro to 2017 Movie Countdown→
Thursday was a fairly interesting day in my life. I was in my room, minding my own business when suddenly I felt a great disturbance in the universe. It’s as if a million annoying voices were silenced and suddenly cried out. This disturbance was enough to take me aback as I couldn’t believe my very eyes. I started doubting the fabric of reality itself as my brain was processing this very image. My muscles tensed as my neck automatically extended itself towards what lay before me, as if my body was grasping to one last shred of denial left before finally accepting the truth.
The truth came without warning, occurring like a thief in the night. It had neither rhyme nor reason for its being here. No one could’ve predicted the terror that approached from the distance. Alas, it has made itself known and life as we know it has officially declared itself dead… Bubsy… has… returned!
I write this from the confinement of my remote, bobcat-repelling bunker where that wretched demon thing cannot possibly reach me. Hopefully you’ve done the same. Only after hours and hours of crying in the fetal position have I mustered the strength needed to address this disaster head-on. And I must do it now, for it has been over 2 days since the incident. The longer I wait, the less time the world has to make similar arrangements such as I. However, as I sit here alone, distressed, and clearly off my medication, I’ve arrived at an optimistic query: could this game actually be good?
For those who don’t know of what I speak, Bubsy the Bobcat is an abominable hell-spawn whose origins date back to 1993 through the video game, Bubsy in the Claws Encounters of the Furred Kind. Bubsy is a simple creature with a simple goal: destruction. His hobbies include making babies cry and attaching butterflies to spider webs only to watch them be slowly and tragically devoured. He also knits on occasion. His appearance is that of an otherwise adorable creature, a bobcat, but this is only one of his horrible forms as evidence through the warning he bears on his shirt: an exclamation point reddened by the blood of his victims; including, but not limited to, the Atari Jaguar. True story. Some say his true from was made in the image of Satan, but few have lived to tell about it. His voice is the only known cause of ear herpes, and some say that his games even smell of the foulest odor known to zebra-kind.
It took a team of hundreds of heroes known as “game critics” to finally put the beast down in the year 1996 after his fourth and final game, Bubsy 3D, nearly wiped out the human race. From then on, he laid dormant and assumably dead. Nothing more than a laughable legend for quite some time… Until now!
Resurrected under the influence of the long-disbanded Accolade, ignited by a Hong-Kong based company called Billionsoft, and molded by Black Forrest Games (creators of Giana Sisters), Bubsy returns in the form of a fifth God-forsaken game, Bubsy: The Woolies Strike Back. The game takes on a form similar to that of his roots as a 2D sidescroller. (Perhaps he’s holding back his next 3D incarnation for the final stage of his evil scheme). He brings with him his trademark methods of torture, such as gliding, jumping, climbing, and failed comedy-ing. The game itself seems unassuming enough, if not a bit generic, but only he knows of what wretched controls he may be eager to inflict upon the world.
To make matters potentially worse, after a team of the greatest minds on Earth were assembled to analyze the approaching atrocity, they have predicted the unthinkable. It is said that when Bubsy returns, he shall have over “a 100” new catchphrases!
Could there even be a bright side to such a catastrophic turn of events? Shit! Was that a pun I just wrote?… I don’t think I have much time left! If this is the last post I make before Bubsy takes over my mind and removes my organs, allow me to leave you with just one ounce of hope.
You see, I recently had a thought occur to me, more like a vision of sorts. I’m not sure if it was the Lord reaching out to me or the fact that I’m in desperate need of therapy, but something bigger than myself told me this. There’s a chance that this may be nothing more than… a simple cash grab aimed at those who get the joke and will buy this purely out of curiosity. And Accolade knows that they’re the laughing stock of the 90’s mascot platforming boom, so this was strategically made into a pre-E3 announcement to drum up publicity.
It’s a strategy diabolical in a way, but it’s also hilarious and brilliant. Even I made this whole, overdramatic post about it for laughs, thereby promoting this game that shouldn’t exist even more. And you know what, I don’t mind at all. The way I see it is that this is only the second sign of 2017 being the year of the infamous game comeback. For those who don’t know, a new Shaq-Fu game was also recently announced for all consoles including the Switch (because Shaq-Fu’s awesome cannot be contained for just home console-play apparently). If that game can exist in a civilized society, then why not this, too?
Am I gonna buy the new Bubsy game when it comes out? No! I like my money too much, but I’m curious to see how this works out for Accolade and Billionsoft. I’ll laugh my ass off whether this turns out to be just as bad as one would expect, and I’ll laugh even harder if it turns out to be decent. To me its quality relies heavily on whether Black Forrest Games decides to recapture the “spirit” so to speak of the original games. Then they can advertise this as an “authentic Bubsy experience” and my life will be complete, as would yours!
I hope you guys enjoyed this post. This was a lot of fun to make. Let me know in the comments whether or not you, too, have accepted Bubsy as your lord and savior!
“It’s not working! You’re only making them sexier!”
Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising is the sequel to the 2014 comedy starring Seth Rogen, Zac Efron.
A couple years after kicking the Delta Psi fraternity out from next door, Mac and Kelly Radner have finally managed to sell their house with the only obstacle being a 30-day escrow period for the new perspective buyers. All is well and good until three college girls, who aren’t fond of the way frat parties are typically handled, create a sorority of their own. They move in (you guessed it) right next door to the Radner house. With the clock slowly ticking for the escrow and the girls having to party to afford their rent, a standoff ensues. The Radners’ only hope now is for old enemies to reunite and take Kappa Nu down. Continue reading 2016 Movie Countdown: Neighbors 2 – Sorority Rising (#37)→
I got robbed twice, and got my ass beat by the second robber for giving all my money to the first… She wasn’t playing!
Barbershop: The Next Cut is the fourth (or third main-series) film in the Barbershop series.
Things have been different ever since Calvin Palmer merged the local beauty salon with his barbershop. New staff, new clientele, and new topics of discussion. Though one more unfortunate new change is the neighborhood. Chicago has become rampant with gangs with violence and death occurring daily. After hearing that his son is in danger of joining a gang, Calvin and the staff decide to use their barbershop to do some good. They announce a 48 hour ceasefire at their shop, offering free haircuts to everyone as long as no further violence ensues. Will it be enough to heal the city? Continue reading 2016 Movie Countdown: Barbershop – The Next Cut (#38)→
I got a plan. Might get us both killed, but if it works it’ll make a totally boss story. Cool?
Central Intelligence is an action-comedy film starring Kevin Hart and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
Calvin Joyner was the most popular guy in high school, even being voted “Most Likely to Succeed”. Twenty years later, Joyner is merely a forensic accountant longing for his glory days and too ashamed to even attend his upcoming high school reunion. Suddenly, Calvin gets a Facebook friend request from a guy named Bob Stone, who he soon finds out is an old high school classmate formerly named Robbie Wierdicht. The two meet up and Calvin is shocked to see Stone is no longer the uncool, fat kid who was always picked on. He’s even more surprised when Stone asks Calvin to decipher some very high end accounting records. Though it all comes together the next day when the CIA knocks on his door searching for Stone, who is actually a CIA agent with a warrant against him. Stone explains to Calvin that he’s innocent and needs Calvin’s help to trace those accounting records and clear his name by finding a highbrow criminal called Black Badger. Continue reading 2016 Movie Countdown: Central Intelligence (#39)→
Oh my God, he a zombie! Headshot! Walking Dead shit, James!
Ride Along 2 is the sequel to the 2014 comedy film starring Kevin Hart and Ice Cube.
After the events of the first film, Ben Barber has graduated from the police academy and is now an officer alongside Detective James Payton, his future brother-in-law. Ben is committed to becoming a detective like James, but his impulsion and clumsiness makes everyone doubt that he’s ready. He decides to prove his abilities once more by joining an assignment James has in Miami involving drug suppliers. James refuses at first, but ultimately agrees both as a favor to his sister Angela and to prove that Ben doesn’t have what it takes to be a detective. Continue reading 2016 Movie Countdown: Ride Along 2 (#41)→
The Do-Over is a Netflix original action-comedy film by Happy Madison Productions.
Charlie McMillan lives a miserable life. He hates his job as a bank manager, hates his irritable wife, and despises his rotten step-children. He attends his high school reunion and is surprised to meet up with his old high school buddy, Max Kessler. Max is doing fairly well for himself and invites Charlie to spend the weekend on his yacht. The yacht soon explodes, and Charlie wakes up in a motel room where Max tells him he did it on purpose to fake their deaths and start anew. Max prepares two fake identities for him and Charlie, and Charlie soon accepts his new life. However, things go South when they learn their identities were involved in criminal activities. Continue reading 2016 Movie Countdown: The Do-Over (#43)→
How wealthy am I? I wanted tot come down on a golden phoenix, and I sure as shit did it!
The Boss is a comedy film starring Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Bell, and Peter Dinklage.
As an extremely wealthy industry titan, Michelle Darnell lived a very grand life despite being a terrible human being. That all changes when her former lover, Renault, exposes her for insider trading. After being arrested and losing all of her money, she resorts to moving in with her underappreciated assistant Claire and her daughter Rachel. Upon noticing Rachel selling girl scout cookies at her school and Claire’s exceptional cooking skills, Michelle comes up with a new business idea — an idea that just might put her back on top. Continue reading 2016 Movie Countdown: The Boss (#44)→
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