Thursday was a fairly interesting day in my life. I was in my room, minding my own business when suddenly I felt a great disturbance in the universe. It’s as if a million annoying voices were silenced and suddenly cried out. This disturbance was enough to take me aback as I couldn’t believe my very eyes. I started doubting the fabric of reality itself as my brain was processing this very image. My muscles tensed as my neck automatically extended itself towards what lay before me, as if my body was grasping to one last shred of denial left before finally accepting the truth.
The truth came without warning, occurring like a thief in the night. It had neither rhyme nor reason for its being here. No one could’ve predicted the terror that approached from the distance. Alas, it has made itself known and life as we know it has officially declared itself dead… Bubsy… has… returned!
I write this from the confinement of my remote, bobcat-repelling bunker where that wretched demon thing cannot possibly reach me. Hopefully you’ve done the same. Only after hours and hours of crying in the fetal position have I mustered the strength needed to address this disaster head-on. And I must do it now, for it has been over 2 days since the incident. The longer I wait, the less time the world has to make similar arrangements such as I. However, as I sit here alone, distressed, and clearly off my medication, I’ve arrived at an optimistic query: could this game actually be good?
For those who don’t know of what I speak, Bubsy the Bobcat is an abominable hell-spawn whose origins date back to 1993 through the video game, Bubsy in the Claws Encounters of the Furred Kind. Bubsy is a simple creature with a simple goal: destruction. His hobbies include making babies cry and attaching butterflies to spider webs only to watch them be slowly and tragically devoured. He also knits on occasion. His appearance is that of an otherwise adorable creature, a bobcat, but this is only one of his horrible forms as evidence through the warning he bears on his shirt: an exclamation point reddened by the blood of his victims; including, but not limited to, the Atari Jaguar. True story. Some say his true from was made in the image of Satan, but few have lived to tell about it. His voice is the only known cause of ear herpes, and some say that his games even smell of the foulest odor known to zebra-kind.
It took a team of hundreds of heroes known as “game critics” to finally put the beast down in the year 1996 after his fourth and final game, Bubsy 3D, nearly wiped out the human race. From then on, he laid dormant and assumably dead. Nothing more than a laughable legend for quite some time… Until now!
Resurrected under the influence of the long-disbanded Accolade, ignited by a Hong-Kong based company called Billionsoft, and molded by Black Forrest Games (creators of Giana Sisters), Bubsy returns in the form of a fifth God-forsaken game, Bubsy: The Woolies Strike Back. The game takes on a form similar to that of his roots as a 2D sidescroller. (Perhaps he’s holding back his next 3D incarnation for the final stage of his evil scheme). He brings with him his trademark methods of torture, such as gliding, jumping, climbing, and failed comedy-ing. The game itself seems unassuming enough, if not a bit generic, but only he knows of what wretched controls he may be eager to inflict upon the world.
To make matters potentially worse, after a team of the greatest minds on Earth were assembled to analyze the approaching atrocity, they have predicted the unthinkable. It is said that when Bubsy returns, he shall have over “a 100” new catchphrases!
Could there even be a bright side to such a catastrophic turn of events? Shit! Was that a pun I just wrote?… I don’t think I have much time left! If this is the last post I make before Bubsy takes over my mind and removes my organs, allow me to leave you with just one ounce of hope.
You see, I recently had a thought occur to me, more like a vision of sorts. I’m not sure if it was the Lord reaching out to me or the fact that I’m in desperate need of therapy, but something bigger than myself told me this. There’s a chance that this may be nothing more than… a simple cash grab aimed at those who get the joke and will buy this purely out of curiosity. And Accolade knows that they’re the laughing stock of the 90’s mascot platforming boom, so this was strategically made into a pre-E3 announcement to drum up publicity.
It’s a strategy diabolical in a way, but it’s also hilarious and brilliant. Even I made this whole, overdramatic post about it for laughs, thereby promoting this game that shouldn’t exist even more. And you know what, I don’t mind at all. The way I see it is that this is only the second sign of 2017 being the year of the infamous game comeback. For those who don’t know, a new Shaq-Fu game was also recently announced for all consoles including the Switch (because Shaq-Fu’s awesome cannot be contained for just home console-play apparently). If that game can exist in a civilized society, then why not this, too?
Am I gonna buy the new Bubsy game when it comes out? No! I like my money too much, but I’m curious to see how this works out for Accolade and Billionsoft. I’ll laugh my ass off whether this turns out to be just as bad as one would expect, and I’ll laugh even harder if it turns out to be decent. To me its quality relies heavily on whether Black Forrest Games decides to recapture the “spirit” so to speak of the original games. Then they can advertise this as an “authentic Bubsy experience” and my life will be complete, as would yours!
I hope you guys enjoyed this post. This was a lot of fun to make. Let me know in the comments whether or not you, too, have accepted Bubsy as your lord and savior!
I’m SBox180. Thanks for reading!